Quiet Time

Why won't she just sleep? I wasted her afternoon 'nap' sitting too long in shower, trying not to think. I wanted only to look at the white walls of the tub and read the back of my shampoo bottle, to close my eyes against the spray of water. I wanted only to be and to be so in the quiet. After the shower, I combed my hair slowly and laid a maternity shirt (in which my boobs refuse to stay) to rest. I was able to choke down a sandwich, hunched over the kitchen sink and twiddle briefly on the internet before I heard a stirring. The Ten-Minute Warning... The signal that she is awake but will remain entertained for a few moments. This keyboard types so loud, I am actually afraid that the clicking will be enough to disturb her into full-blown come-get-me status.

Please don't misunderstand me. I love this job. I am literally living my dream--minus a few things that will have to come later. I am able to stay at home and be the one to raise my daughter. I didn't want to have kids just to put them in daycare. I know I got ahead of myself a little bit there, but Matthew has come through for us (me) by landing a great job. (I always preface complaining with statements such as these... I hate to bitch about a good thing without a prologue.) This week has just been kind of harsh on my tender, delicate self (ha ha). No, but in all seriousness, what is up, This Week?? It's like you keep picking a fight with me when you're already winning.

We have more variables and pending conversations coming up for this weekend, and I feel unprepared. I feel like it's an argument just waiting to happen--even though I don't mean for it to end up that way. I am inarticulate in these exchanges for some reason, and the opposing team picks up what I'm putting down. Invariably.

The good news is, Max is most likely going to be just fine. His nonsense appears to be clearing up sans surgery (for now). So that is a few hundred bucks we don't have to spend.

But there is something new up in the air, and now is not the time or place to go into detail (see note above on forthcoming conversations). I do hate the feeling of not knowing where to start; even worse I hate feeling like the last six months have been a complete waste of time--which is precisely how I feel right now. I'm going off on some serious tangents, so I think I should sign out.