Guess What?

I really do love my squishy, swimming baby boy. We know this was my oops baby, my surprise, my we-are-only-given-what-we-can-handle-right? baby. I had a tremendously difficult time remembering to take my birth control pill, and rather than exploring other options ASAP, we put it off. We thought we couldn't get pregnant while I was nursing, and that, even after she was weaned, it would take some time to recharge my tired ovaries. Eh... Turns out, bodies have a time frame of their own, and our minds are rarely clued in. I gave Aurelia her last bit of boobie milk right before Christmas. This baby was conceived at the beginning of February. Way to go! I have not been entirely cavalier with this pregnancy. I don't smoke, drink, bungee-jump or do the drugs. But I drink coffee and, I can't tell you how long it's been since I took a prenatal vitamin. I remember being meticulous with Aurelia. What to Expect was always with me, in case I had a question about something. I tried to eat relatively healthy; in particular, twice weekly I would down a smoothie with about eighteen servings each of fruit, vegetables and protein. Gross. Now I'm lucky if I swipe some apple slices from Aurelia's lunch. I was always talking and singing to her. I do that with the boy too, just less so. I'm more likely to be chatting up the baby in the backseat than the one in my belly. And even though all these things are true; even though I am uncertain of how we will get on top of establishing a workable routine for the two of them, I know I love him. Even though I cried huge, terrified tears when that second pink line appeared, I would do anything to ensure his well-being.

I am going through this now because yesterday was a rough day. I don't like feeling paranoid in pregnancy; I didn't like it with Aurelia, and I don't like it now. But yesterday, I couldn't feel the baby move. From 10:00am on, I nervously attempted all the tricks they tell you. Cold water, cold juice, cold milk, eat something, eat something sweet. Lay down on your side and count the movements you can feel, any movement at all. Between 11:45 and 12:45, I ate some string cheese and juice and I felt two faint rolls and a bout of the hiccups. Not a fan. I went throughout the day, timing and counting, freaking out and crying. I fell asleep around 3:00pm but had to go into work at 5:00. Work was quiet. I spent the shift rubbing my tummy and whispering to the baby, wake up. It was a little crazy-person-esque. I knew he was in there, perfectly fine, but to this point, he has been a mad man (movement-wise)! I ended up worrying Matthew enough that he sent me into the hospital for a non-stress test. They hook the baby up to a heart monitor and watch for activity. That's when (ten o'clock at night), my boy decided to behave like his normal self. It was like a practical joke, kind of like he was laughing at me. Ha ha, Mom! I got you good!! Yes, ha ha, little man; we're all laughing with you. Or not.

And I guess that's the way it's going to be. I can feel him now, bumping and prodding low in my abdomen, but he has had fairly low activity today. This is a shame because I love feeling him squiggle around. This is probably the last time I will be pregnant, and I should have enjoyed it more. But now that I had a day chock-full of genuine worry, I just want to hold him and count his fingers and toes. There should be a better way for me to check on him than just waiting.